A few weeks ago, I was devastated with the break-up of a relationship I thought was true love. I believed I had found the relationship that was special and meaningful. I truly thought this was the person I would grow old with.
Once she moved out and I realized how much she had brought to my life, I was deeply depressed. I looked around and saw all the things in my home missing from her departure. The furniture, pictures, appliances, etc., and the memories of things we had done, the places where we laughed and loved and spent time together all haunted me. I was lonelier than ever and was wondering if I could, once again, pick up the pieces of a broken heart and continue my quest for love.
When you find someone you believe is THE ONE and suddenly they are gone forever, it's hard to believe in love at all, which is a depressing thought in itself. How would I even begin to start over with my heart bleeding from a love I had believed in with all my soul?...
I have 3 children from my ex-wife. A daughter, 16, who's beautiful and smart and popular. A son, 13, who's an excellent athlete, that I'm proud to say is also very humble and gentle and looks out for smaller kids and always is willing to help others. Then there's my youngest, who is 10. She still gets excited about coming to Dad's house and watching movies together. It's better than Disney World to her.
My oldest spends much of her time with her friends, like most other 16 yr.olds, and she has graduated from the weekend ritual of coming to Dad's house and watching movies together. She is 16, but has the intelligence of a college Sophmore and knows now how to get what she wants. I know when she asks me a question, she already knows the answer and is playing me like a seasoned chess player. I am proud of the woman she is becoming and allow her to find her way at my heart's expense. Yes, I wish we could go back to the days of having all 3 together and laughing and cutting up and cooking and watching movies, but she's getting older and wants to spend time with her friends and I understand. We have an open relationship and she tells me everything that's going on in her life...which sometimes I do NOT want to know, but am glad that I'm the most trusted man in her life.
My son and youngest daughter both still love to come stay with me. We cook together and watch movies usually. It has become a tradition that started long ago when their mother and I split, but they still look forward to it and so do I. We crack jokes when it's a bad movie and laugh at the bad acting and poor writing. They love horror movies and my youngest still screams when something scary happens, which makes her brother and her Dad still jump out of their skin and then laugh. The whole time we're together, we laugh and talk and bundle up together on the couch for movie-time. It is something I cherish in life.
During the transition of my latest love's departure, I was reluctant for them to come over and see the house in disarray. I always try to protect them from my misfortunes in relationships, but have come to realize that they take it in stride. They simply love their Dad. My youngest still wants me to get married again someday and looks for the 'happily ever after' for me. She wants me to be happy and hates thinking about me being alone. She is such an angel.
I missed seeing them for several weeks because of the house being in disarray and my depression. I also was trying to get back on my feet financially and had alot going on in my life. I was deeply depressed and knew I couldn't hide this from them. Finally, I could not be alone anymore and called the ex to tell her I NEEDED my kids right now. I knew that just being around them would help.
My oldest came first one weekend with her friends in tow as usual. Hanging out with them and talking about life truly helped me put a perspective on my life as well. My oldest is very mature. She said that she would insist on her approval of the next girlfriend before I could get serious with them. I think she is right. Sometimes a man can become clouded in his judgement because of sex or beauty and there are alot of things that go right by his judgement like common sense and seeing fault in a beautiful woman even if it's completely apparent. My oldest, whom I call my Girly-girl, told me SHE was the only girl I needed in my life....and I knew in my heart that she would always be there...no matter how old I get...no matter what I've done...she WOULD always be there.
Next weekend, my other two came for movies, my famous spaghetti, and a weekend of laughter and fun. The house was a mess, but they didn't care at all. They were simply glad to be with their Dad again. We laughed so much that weekend. We watched some scary movies and some funny ones and it was one weekend I shall never forget. It was a weekend of hope and thankfulness.
One of the first things my youngest daughter, whom I call my Boo, said to me when she arrived, was that SHE was the only girl I needed in my life. (I didn't tell her that her sister had said the same thing.) It made me realize how much they love their Dad. I WOULD go on...I COULD go on...knowing that I have 3 beautiful, smart, loving children that will make a difference in this crazy world one day.
Even though my relationships with women recently have all ended poorly, my kids are always there in the wake of disaster with love for their Dad, and they've taught me to laugh about the relationship crashes. They teach me to laugh at myself as well sometimes...
Living life alone is tough sometimes. You may think that things are just too difficult to go one...you may think that life is over for you...you may believe that you will grow old alone and lonely. But if you're lucky enough to have children, KNOW that the power of a child's love is all you need to carry on. It can make you go from darkness and hopelessness to an all-knowing hope that life will go on and get better with time. They truly bring light back into your world and make you believe in the power of love.
Though I frequently feel like a bad dad and not worthy of such great kids, I know that they look up to me, they love me with all their hearts, and they love simply being with me. This makes me realize that maybe I'm not such a bad guy after all...and that I am truly blessed.
Don Juan Quixote may not be the perfect man or Dad, but he is perfect to his children...just the way he is. The realization of that can truly spring a man out of any depression. I am ready for life again...
Thank you, my Girly-Girl, my Little Man, and my Boo!!! I love you all SOOOO MUCH!!!