Thursday, May 13, 2010

How do you learn to trust again?....

I have been in love and have been loved before.  I think alot of people get feelings of love, but time has a way of changing everything.  The fairy tales and movies all tell us that there is a happily-ever-after and that love will last.....but does it?   I want to believe in love and feel in my heart that there may be someone out there for me....but is that wishful thinking?...simply hoping?...

My parents had a love that lasted a lifetime.  My mother passed away in 2007 and I know for a fact that my father will never marry again nor even contemplate it.  SHE WAS the love of his life.   They were happy together for their whole lives.  It's something that I would love to find....but are we in a different era now?....are the days of happy marriages over? true love doomed?

Technology and media today are SO fast and there is so much to do and see and temptations are flying at us at the speed of sound.  People can be texted and emailed with temptations all day and I think that cheating on a spouse is made much easier than ever before....which makes me even less expectatious of true love.

My last relationship was the one I thought I was waiting for.  It exploded into passion and desire.   We were like high schoolers giddy with love for one another and we both did all we could to see each other and spend time together as much as possible.  We were best friends....or so I thought...and we laughed, played, made love like rabbits any and everywhere, had fun like kids,  and even cried together when we lost our dog.  I believed and trusted everything she told me because I loved her.  I love with all my heart and soul and believe that everyone should do the same when they come across 'true love'.

My trust was shattered, however.   Our slogan was 'forever and a day'....and that we would love one another the rest of our days...and would marry as soon as we could.   As beautiful and sweet and loving as she was....I found out that things were not as they seemed.   The first flag was one day as I stood next to her, she received a text from an ex-boyfriend whose name came up on the phone as the text came through....and when I asked her who it was from, she replied one of her girlfriends....upon which I told her that I loved her and expected the truth from her....and that I knew she had just lied.   She was totally taken aback that I wasn't furious and asking her to leave.   I asked her if she was still talking to him and she said 'no' and I told her to never lie to me again and that the incident would be forgiven.  Then, much later in the relationship, I discovered a receipt one day from a restaurant with 2 people on it and she had supposedly gone to see her children that weekend....I was told a lie about the dinner....this I now know.  I have to wonder how much of what I was told was a lie.  I find myself wondering if I'll ever be able to trust again.   I had opened my heart, my family, my whole world up to her and put her needs before my own and did my best to take care of her and love and respect her.....the way a good man should.....only to be taken advantage of and lied to.  I am SO friggin stupid that at times I STILL believe that what we had was real and that maybe I'm wrong about her....and I get mad at myself for being so gullable and soft hearted, wanting to believe in something that may have never been real at all.

HOW do you find trust and a way to believe again?   My heart is saddened by this.....and I wonder how I will be able to really trust someone with my heart again.   I try and stay busy and not think about it, but I know deep down that I'm really gonna have trouble taking love seriously again.   I want true love and a lifelong companion to spoil.....but is true love real?   I sit on my boat in my peaceful, serene setting and ponder this alot... anwers yet, folks....but I guess this is why I am Don Juan Quixote and have a quest to continue....and as the Zen Master always says when you climb the mountain to ask him a question...."We shall see..."